Garage Glamorous.

I’m a fucking emotional fucking wreck. It’s been 3 weeks to the day now, and it feels like im back at day 1. i miss him every fucking day, want to talk to him every fucking minute, and every second that i know im no longer with him makes me want to rip my fucking heart out of my chest. how cruel do you have to be to tell someone that you know loves you so much, that you never loved them. i wish it had been a softer blow.

i cry everyday, some days more than others, but every day. sometimes somebody walks in on me, sometimes nobody knows. sometimes it is in the middle of the night, sometimes it’s in my sleep, sometimes it’s in the morning when i first open my eyes. it’s always the mornings and the nights that are the hardest. i know he is in his city, not having a care in the world about what happened to us; i know he doesn’t love or care about me anymore and never did, and i am left laying here broken and lost; he is moving on with his life without me, and i am staying where i am…the same.

i’m not getting any better, any prettier, any skinnier, any more talented, any more driven, any more anything. i just am sinking deeper and deeper into the what ifs, could haves, should haves, and hopes for what i thought was going to be. he is getting better and better every day, and all i want to do is continue telling him how amazing, brilliant, and wonderful his life is going to be, but i am no longer a part of it. 

i think about how much i miss him, all the amazing things that we had, and having that crash down in front of me and knowing that it was all a lie. every “i love you” that was uttered didn’t mean anything, every kiss, every hug, every trip to be with me was just going through the motions; it was him trying not to hurt my feelings; it was him trying to force himself to love me, and meant nothing to him. when to me, it meant everything. it meant one more day feeling loved and beautiful, feeling like i didn’t want or need anything else. it was one more second knowing that someone was there for me and wanted the best for me. it was one more week of having something special and someone that i could give everything to without wondering or questioning if i was doing it wrong. and it really just amounted to nothing. 

i dont love myself anymore. how could i possibly love the person i am when the person i loved rejected me like i was a piece of fucking trash, that didn’t even deserve a proper goodbye. how could i love myself when i was the one who pushed this person away; who was clearly not doing enough, who clearly was missing the sort of spark he was looking for in a girlfriend, who was unlovable. 

i wake up feeling like shit every day.

so…when does this get better?

Day 3 of having my heart broken? …feels no better than the first 2 days.

I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus, hoping that I dreamt it. All I want to do is text him good morning like we always did. How long will it take for this to get better, cuz I don’t think I’m going to be okay.

Tonight I was dumped by my boyfriend for almost a year. I have never felt this way about another person in my whole entire life, and they told me they didn’t think they ever really loved me. To hear those words come out of the mouth of the person you would do anything in the world for is indescribable pain. It feels like all of the blood in your body is on fire and all you can do is cry, but not even crying takes the burning away. It feels like someone tripped you when you weren’t looking; you are caught so off guard and question every step you take. It makes you feel like you wish something bad had happened, like there was another girl, or you had a big fight, so you could easy the pain with anger. But instead, you have to force yourself to come to terms with the fact that it is YOU that is what went wrong. You realize that no matter what you say or what you promise this person, they have made their choice on you, just as you have on them; they no longer want you.

To have this person that I’m in love with tell me this is like taking away my air I breathe. The love that I have for him lives so deep inside me that the hours I had to wait for his decision and the long train ride back home just made every second feel like an hour. Every second I sat there knowing it was over just made me feel more pathetic, confused, and lost than the last. To say that I hate this person is incredibly wrong, and that’s the tricky part; I love him. I was not ready to let him go, nor do I think I was ever going to be ready. I had a future set out for me and for what I thought life would be like with him that was wiped clean in a matter of minutes. Being broken up with while you are still in love feels like you are clinging to the edge of something high, that you know you have to let go of, but the height is too massive to even process the danger that lies ahead. Trying to even comprehend what the next days, weeks, even months are going to be like without him makes me so unsettled and sad. Saying this will take time is an unfair statement because when you love someone, time doesn’t matter. Distance doesn’t matter. Nothing matters in your life except that person you are with.

A friend of mine told me that the quality they love about me is my ability to love people whole heatedly, and even with the prospect of getting hurt in the future, I give them all I have. In this case, I gave him everything I had. The thought of me not giving him enough being the reason he didn’t love me makes me nauseous and I can’t even think of it without getting a lump in my throat. But I learned that maybe it’s not worth following your instincts. If I had kept my mouth shut about certain things, and let them play out, I wouldn’t have lost the one person that mattered the most to me tonight. I would still be in Boston with him, probably watching tv in bed and feeling like there is nowhere else I’d rather be. But instead, I am on a train going home; alone, lost, and lower and I’ve ever felt.

No one is going to read this, but if anyone does, know this: never take what you have for granted, because everything you thought you knew and looked forward to could change so fast.